


Windy Boy Ave. #1: JOHN EGBERT is feeling EXTREMELY BORED and just a little bit ADVENTUROUS

by Shenaniganon



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Adventure, Gen, POV Second Person, Post-Sburb
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-15
Updated: 2017-05-28
Packaged: 2018-08-08 21:10:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7773523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shenaniganon/pseuds/Shenaniganon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The work of building a new universe is going pretty smoothly, but with all his friends going off on their own adventures, John finds himself alone in his new, massive keep of a house, facing off against the greatest enemy he's ever met: boredom.</p><p>Part 1 of a soon-to-be-ongoing Post-SBURB fanfic adventure, which would be a fan-adventure/Homestuck 2.0 pitch if I had even a smidgen of artistic ability.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Introduction

====> John: ………

………

Man, that one cloud sure has…moved slightly to the left, hasn’t it…

You stare up, gazing aimlessly at the almost perfectly clear sky. A single cloud, the only blemish, hangs against the backdrop of blue like a single ball of cotton floating in an endless ocean. It drifts in the air, making its solitary trip across the horizon with no end. Every now and then, you use your windy powers to swirl the air, moving the cloud back or turning it around on a whim. But, once you’ve finished, the cloud continues on its original journey, as if it had never truly stopped.

…………“Haaaah…”

You are JOHN EGBERT, and you are more bored than ever before in your entire life. 

Well…maybe not “ever” ever. You’re sure there’s been some time in your life that you’ve been utterly crippled by boredom before. But then, those were simpler times, when your greatest fears were endless trips to the Dadly Depot or worrying what new harlequin your father would bring home this time. Before you entered the game, met your friends in person, and went on an incredible adventure. Before you became a god, too.

Sure, then came the trip on the golden ship, and yeah, that was damn boring. Back when your only company consisted of your sister, a few sprites and an army of consorts with the mental capacity of a used tissue. That was pretty low, you’ll admit, but at least you had company most of the time. And after that, you got back in the game, and a whirlwind of activity followed. Worlds collided, Enemies were defeated, and you and your friends, new and old, received your reward – a new universe for all of you to live in, together.

Turns out, though…universes? A lot bigger than you first thought. Even the revitalized Earth was much, much larger than you remembered it being. So once everyone got used to the new universe, your friends started heading out elsewhere…on adventures, or missions, or just...not here.

Which was making this new, obscenely huge house feel pretty…empty.

It seemed like a good idea at the time. Once everyone entered the new universe, the idea of having one big place to house everybody made sense – it was a sort of headquarters, where you all could brainstorm what would be needed to make the new world livable. Everyone worked together, with a little alchemical help, to build this fairly huge house…mansion…castle thing. Vriska, who managed to get to Earth about a month after everyone else, kept calling it a keep, which you never cared for, but that name kinda stuck with everyone else. And once it was built it worked great – everyone had a space to hang out, and relax, and plan for the future.

But now most of the big parts of getting the planet livable were taken care of. The keep…HOUSE…meant that you all had shelter. The food supply was all set, thanks to Jade’s garden still having plenty of useable seeds, and there were plenty of fruits and vegetables growing nicely. And you’ve helped the Mayor start to build his city for the chess people and consorts, putting up most of the important buildings for them all to live in. After that…

Things just…kinda happened. People started leaving. And now you’re alone. In your massive keep-house. With no one to talk to…again.

………

You need to talk to someone, or you’re gonna go crazy.

Let’s think. Him? Nah, busy. Her? Busy too. Those two? Both busy and incredibly difficult to deal with when together. Her…

Huh. Actually, yeah, you think Jade mentioned she’d be free, as long as you aren’t too demanding of her. Her work is a little touchy, after all.

ectoBiologist (EB) started pestering gardenGnostic (GG)

EB: hey jade!  
EB: er…you are free, right?  
GG: oh hi john!!!  
GG: im actually just about to finish up! your planet is the last one and it is just about in position  
EB: oh, great!  
EB: man, i’m glad you thought of bringing our lands along. well, the ones that weren’t blown to bits, anyway.  
EB: i would have felt pretty bad about just leaving those consorts and our denizens alone out there in a finished game.  
EB: even though that’s probably how they always end up…? however that all works.  
EB: gonna be weird seeing all those moons in the sky. it’ll probably take some getting used to.  
GG: you wont be able to see all of them at once silly! in fact you should probably only be able to see up to two of them at a time  
GG: MAYBE three :B  
EB: oh, right. i forgot, you had to sync up their orbits, right?  
EB: because of tides, and…other things.  
GG: yep! fortunately all the lands are smaller than the old moon  
GG: so even having all seven of them orbiting earth probably wont have too big an effect  
GG: as long as I positioned them in the right spots and got their orbits right  
EB: right  
EB: hey…that reminds me, what happened to the moon? like, “the moon” moon.  
GG: i…  
GG: think i forgot to grab it?  
EB: what!  
EB: that’s a really big thing to forget, jade!  
GG: i know! and i feel awful about leaving it in our old universe before it got destroyed!   
GG: but i was still under mind control when i was sent to shrink the earth and bring it into our session   
GG: all the condesce wanted was earth  
GG: she didnt think she needed the moon  
GG: so it got left there :(  
EB: oh, don’t feel bad, jade!  
EB: ah man. i shouldn't have snapped at you like that, i know it wasn’t your fault.  
EB: i just…augh.  
GG: ?  
GG: john are you ok?  
EB: yeah, it’s just…  
EB: i’m just so bored right now.  
EB: there’s nothing to do, and no one’s here to hang out.  
EB: i mean, i can’t even get anyone else on pesterchum because they’re all “busy”!  
EB: i’m just glad you picked up. you’re saving me from going nuts over here.  
GG: awww thanks john   
EB: honestly, this is giving me a lot more respect for you, jade. Not that I didn’t always respect you, of course!  
EB: i can barely stand a few weeks of this, but you had to deal with it for years.  
EB: and you’re still fine! it’s making me feel like a loser for not being able to handle it.  
GG: well ill be the first one to say that feeling really bored doesnt make you a loser john!   
GG: you probably just need to get out of windy boy ave for a while  
EB: oh god, please don’t remind me of that name.  
GG: hehe sorry :B  
GG: its just still really funny!  
EB: at least it's better than what the mayor wanted to call the street  
EB: “super windy hero boy avenue”  
EB: i’m glad dave managed to talk him down to just windy boy ave, even if it's still a really dumb name.  
GG: well for your sake i wont call it that  
GG: even though it is still really funny!  
GG: but you really should get out of the keep and see everyone else  
EB: i would, but i don’t really know where any of them are.  
EB: aside from dave and dirk, but i know better than to get in the way of strider-time.  
GG: right of course  
GG: the strider is an elusive creature and must be given its proper space at times!  
GG: well isnt roxy still in town? i thought she wanted to live in the keep too  
EB: yeah, but she went out a week ago.  
EB: she said she wanted to go check in with rose and kanaya, and their journey to hatch the mother troll egg-thing.  
EB: and to see if they’ve driven karkat crazy with their snarky horseshit.  
GG: oh well that makes sense i suppose  
GG: and i guess your weird boredom moping makes more sense if youve been deprived of roxy for that long  
EB: uh…what does that mean?  
GG: …… :B  
EB: what’s that emote trying to say?  
EB: whatever it is, you can stop trying to say it.  
EB: and you can stop wiggling those eyebrows while you’re at it.  
GG: who said i was wiggling my eyebrows?  
EB: i can tell! i have, like, a sixth sense for eyebrow-wiggling.  
EB: and you should cut it out, there is nothing wiggle-worthy going on!  
GG: hehe all right my eyebrows are no longer wiggling at you and your adorable awkwardness  
GG: still she left a week ago? i didnt even know she had gone  
GG: guess im not the most attentive housemate  
EB: eh, i wouldn’t blame you. this moon thing has been pretty tiring on you, hasn’t it?  
EB: you get up early, don’t get back until late and go straight to bed.  
GG: urgh yeah…  
GG: but I should be back earlier tonight so we can hang out then!  
EB: oh, that’d be great!  
EB: we could do a movie night!  
GG: uh  
GG: only if I can pick some too  
GG: love you john but some of those movies…  
EB: i don’t know what you're insinuating, because i believe my taste in movies is impeccable.  
GG: even mac and me?  
EB: …okay, i’ll give you mac and me.  
EB: other than that, though, impeccable.  
EB: anyway, sure, that sounds great. now i just need to find something to do until tonight.  
GG: well janes still living with her dad in can town right?   
GG: why dont you go hang out with her for a while?  
GG: oh and you can invite her to movie night while youre there!  
EB: uh.  
EB: well…  
EB: jane is…  
GG: ?  
EB: we’re not really…  
GG: oh no are you two still in that silly prank war?

…

Ah yes…the great Egbert-Crocker Prank War. Historians would later write of it as the first Great War amongst the gods of this new universe. Or they would, you think, if prank wars between demigod kids are important enough to be mentioned in history books. Or if there were any historians. Rose is close enough, right? That GameFAQ of hers is the closest thing to a history book you can think of at the moment that any of you worked on, probably…

Anyway. Prank wars. That may or not be really silly, if you stop to think about it. Which you never do, on principle.

It wasn’t long after you arrived in the new universe before your long-dormant prankster spirit was revived, and the opportunities to play a few friendly pranks on your friends, old and new, were simply too good to pass up. And it turned out you weren’t the only one interested in some good, old-fashioned pranking…your ecto-nanna-mom Jane also turned out to be a prankster at heart, and the two Nannasprites that entered the universe with you were eager to help her hone her tricksy ways.

You and Jane, with the Nannasprites’ assistance, made for an unstoppable combination. You pulled off one great prank after another, injecting a much-needed bit of fun into the daily lives of your group of friends. Even now, you still look back at your epic quadruple-pie prank on Vriska with pride, not just because of the insane awesomeness of pulling it off but how even Vriska herself stopped cursing you out and couldn’t help laughing a little herself after the perfect timing on the fourth pie. The two of you had Prankster’s Gambits through the roof. Nothing could stop you.

Except for each other, that is.

Even during your incredible team up, you remember thinking how you’d managed to prank everyone in the keep except Jane and the Nannasprites. And deep down, you knew you couldn’t solidify your status as PRANKSTER EXTRAORDINAIRE if you couldn’t pull one off on her. You knew that Jane was thinking the same thing. Well, you knew that because she told you so, but even before that, you SUSPECTED she was thinking the same thing. 

You knew what was coming.

Like many great and terrible wars, no one is sure who fired the first shot anymore. And even if you we're able to remember, it's not like it would change the current situation.

It didn't stop at one prank. Soon, pranks begot revenge pranks, and revenge pranks begot re-revenge pranks. The ALCHEMITERS are still firing, still making the weapons of your war. The pies. The clever disguises. The buckets over doors. DEAR GOD, THE BUCKETS.

There is no end in sight. The war continues to rage on. And war…something about war. War…dammit, you swear you had a quote here. War, uh…never…never what…never changes! There it is.

War never changes.

… 

GG: you really need to just bury the hatchet already!  
EB: ugh, i knoooow.  
EB: i know it’s silly and we should drop it!  
EB: but it’s hard! jane is an incredibly savvy pranker, especially now that she’s got two nannasprites backing her up!  
EB: every time she pranks me, i can’t help but think about getting my prankster’s gambit back up to respectability.  
EB: but then I prank her back, and I know she’ll be planning some kinda pranky vengeance, and i end up trying to avoid her.  
EB: not that it helps, because nanna helps jane set her pranks here and catches me every time.  
EB: it’s a vicious cycle, jade.   
GG: its a stupid cycle!  
GG: i cant believe that you two cant just get over it  
GG: jane is always so nice to me! shes like the big sister i never had  
EB: well, technically she’s the mother you never had, just as a teenager.  
EB: anyway, i promise i’ll try to make up with her soon.  
EB: eventually. just…maybe not today.  
GG: nope youre making up with her tonight!  
GG: i will invite her to movie night and we will hang out and have fun and you two will work this out!  
EB: ugh, fiiine.  
EB: if you’ll be there to play peacemaker, then i’ll try to get over it for your sake.  
GG: thats all i ask  
GG: well even if roxy isn’t available, and janes not a possibility  
GG: im sure you can find someone to kill time with until then…  
GG: maybe calliope?  
EB: no, she said she was gonna make today an “art day”, whatever that means.  
EB: besides, i got the feeling that she likes a little more solitude than the rest of us…she was a little wiped out after that party we threw.  
EB: so she probably’d prefer a little space.  
GG: yeah i suppose thats true  
EB: i’d like to check in on the others, but i dunno where they are!  
EB: i don’t know where terezi and vriska got off to on their weird tour of “the human planet”  
EB: roxy forgot to let me know where rose’s group was when she left to join up with them.  
EB: and jake hasn’t checked in at all since he went adventuring, so…  
GG: oh!  
GG: actually i think i know where jake is!  
EB: whoa, really?  
GG: yeah! he messaged me yesterday asking me if i wanted to join him for something but i was really busy and missed his message!  
GG: you should go! have some quality time adventuring with your ectodad!  
EB: yeah…  
EB: yeah, that sounds great! and i’m sure jake’d be down for movie night, too, so i’ll invite him once i find him!  
GG: yeah! awesome harleybert movie party at johns place!  
EB: only classy prospit kids allowed! sorry, derse dudes, but you’ll have to find your own swank party.  
GG: hehe this sounds like so much fun!  
GG: here i found the coordinates jake sent me so you go find him  
gardenGnostic (GG) has sent a map file, [roundabout these parts!.map]  
GG: ill get jane once im done here and well meet you at the keep tonight!  
EB: okay! i’ll see you then, jade!  
GG: see you!

ectoBiologist (EB) has ceased pestering gardenGnostic (GG)


	2. Chapter 2

====> John: Go find Jake for swank party

Alright, you knew Jade would come through for you. Best ecto-sis. Hunting down Jake in whatever god-forsaken hell-hole he’s gotten himself into sounds like it’ll be a blast. 

Okay, let’s look at this map here…hmmm. First thing that comes to your mind is, “Wow, the Condense sure fucked up the continents, didn’t she?”, which is usually the first thing you think when you look at a map of the current Earth. Guess you can’t be a brutal fish-alien dictator without scorching the planet somehow. Every continent’s missing land in some way or another, there’s a giant lake that wasn’t there before in Central Asia, and Australia…eeesh. That continent’s not worth two armies in Risk anymore, that’s for damn sure.

Anyway, you’re not here to ponder the horrific destruction of an entire planet, you’re trying to find an adventurous weirdo who happens to be your genetic father. Back to the map. Okay, here’s where you are, around the area Jane’s house was before Waterworld happened. As for Jake…looks like…huh, that’s Washington DC, isn’t it? You mean, what’s left of it. Ruins and such, most likely graffiti-ed and defiled by the Insane Clown Presidents before they got the chance to get even more ruin-y after all the time that’s passed. God, this planet’s been through some shit.

You still aren’t 100% sure what Jade and Dave did to Earth before you all entered the universe to make it inhabitable again. And not like Waterworld-inhabitable, which only sounds awesome until you remember that none of you are getting gills like Kevin Costner did any time soon. Dave mentioned something about fast-forwarding the planet until the ice caps showed up again, but was vague on how much it was fast-forwarded. There’s still a few structures still standing, though, which managed to survive despite all the flooding and centuries. That’s where Dave and Dirk are now, exploring the ruins of the scratch-world’s Dave’s city.

Come to think of it, that’s probably what Jake’s up to, isn’t he? Exploring ruins sounds like a very Jake-y hobby, and you guess the ruins of Washington would probably have some cool stuff lying around…maybe…

Eh. whatever. You’ve got the location, no need to overthink things. The map says he’s there, so if you want to go see him, that’s where you’ll need to go.

You hop up to your feet, a smile on your face. It doesn’t take you long to get your bearings, and just like that you take to the skies, flying up into the air, ascending rapidly.

You’ve been able to fly for three years now, as it's apparently one of the basic god-tier powers, but it's one of the few powers that never loses its charm. You don’t even have to do anything special…no flapping your arms or chanting some dumb spell. Heck, you don’t really think you could even describe it…you just think about flying, and boom, you’re up. Nice and easy.

You’re rising really high now…the keep, despite its massive size, is already starting to disappear below you. You notice that lonely little cloud that you had been toying with earlier, laughing as you zoom past it, continuing to rise up. The air’s probably getting thin now, but you don’t even notice. Another fun power of god-tiering. It’s like being in space has no effect on you anymore. Jade’s getting the most use out of this particular power, nowadays. What with the whole “moon” thing.

Speaking of…you look up, as at this height you can start seeing the bodies orbiting the earth a little clearer. It’s still daytime, so you can’t make them out terribly well, but you can definitely see one of your lands up there, circling the planet just like Jade planned. That’s Dave’s land up there right now…er, you think…yeah, you’re preeeeetty sure that’s the Land of Heat and Clockwork, alright. It looks kinda…red…and hot…that’s the only one that fits that description, anyway.

Looking around for the other moons, you notice Rose’s land behind you, starting to sink towards the horizon. You’ve got no doubts on this one…it’s impossible to mistake the always shiny Land of Light and Rain. That was one of the first lands that Jade set in the sky, and it’s already made things pretty fun…even during the evening, when LOLAR’s high in the sky, it’s so bright it never really feels like night-time. And it doesn’t make things too bright in the daytime! Rose has a real winner of a land there, as much as she complains about it. Well, now that it’s a moon anyway.

Let’s see…yeah, that’s all the moons you can see at the moment. You guess the next one will be rising soon? That would seem to fit with Jade’s “two at a time and maybe three” concept for how the moons are orbiting the planet, anyway. Well, not like you’ve got time to think about it, really. You’re still flying across a continent, after all.

You’re way higher now than pretty much any airplane could go…high enough that you can make out most of the North American west coast…which actually looks like it survived pretty intact, aside from a decent-sized chunk of central California that’s missing. At the moment, you’re situated over the heartland, which is also pretty undamaged. Going with the rotation of the Earth’s a bit tricky, but it probably won’t be long until you can see the Atlantic in the distance, and from there you can start aiming for Washington. At the moment, you’re just kind of enjoying yourself…yep, flying continues not to lose its charm. It’s pretty relaxing, really.

It’s only taking you a few minutes before the horizon starts getting blue again, and soon enough the Atlantic Ocean is coming into view. This part of the continent…did not survive as well as the rest of it. Florida’s gone, for one. Sorry, Florida. There’s also a lot of craters in this part of the continent, all over Canada and the Northeast. You pretty sure those weren’t caused naturally, unless fish-alien dictators are considered natural causes. Guess some serious shit must have gone down there. 

You also notice that something else has come into view, as you shift your gaze upwards just a bit. The next moon has started rising up over the horizon, making its trip around the Earth…the Land of Mounds and Xenon, identifiable by the massive purple “X” that’s been seemingly carved into the surface of the planet. Jake’s land. You chuckle to yourself before looking back to the ground, scanning the area until you spot the location Jake sent Jade with those coordinates. Er…you think that’s the area anyway…doesn’t hurt to double check.

You activate your awesome SERIOUS BUSINESS GLASSES, which was such an awesome thing that you had to remake them as soon as you had access to alchemy equipment again, and reopen those coordinates. Let’s see…yeah, looks like you’re in the right area, all right. You close the map quickly…it’s really hard to see with the computer parts of your glasses activated…and start descending. You fly pretty fast, especially when you start descending…probably fast enough that you’d start burning up if not for your god-tier powers, you think? Actually, would “not burning up on re-entry” be considered a completely separate power, or is that part of the whole “can fly through space” package? 

These are the important questions to consider. As you hurtle towards a planet at disturbingly high speed. Face-first, naturally, because it wouldn’t look as cool if you did it some other way.

Okay, maybe you should pay attention to what you’re doing. You’re closing in on the ground, as the breathtaking view of the East Coast from space disappears, replaced by the still-pretty cool-but-also- quickly-approaching area that used to be Washington DC. Once you’ve closed in enough, you slow your descent and start flying over the area, scoping it out and seeing if you can find some sign that Jake’s been in the area, taking in the scenery of the area as you float through the ruins.

Most signs that this was once one of the major sites of human civilization is long gone. The area’s more or less a jungle now. A few buildings are still standing, but they’re all completely overrun by vegetation and trees. Lots of trees. Yeah, there’s just an insane number of trees here. You’ve slowed down a lot as you try and navigate them all, and soon the canopy becomes too thick for you to navigate, and you don’t have any other choice but to land and continue the search on foot. 

Except you’re not really “on foot”, since you can still hover just off the ground. Have you mentioned how awesome this flying power is? Seriously, it is the greatest thing.

Anyway, back to the search. You float through the overgrown buildings and down what once were major roads, but are now just meadows. No graffiti, either…guess that stuff must have faded away over the ages, or something? Not that you’re terribly upset that the presumably awful murder-juggalo cult’s graffiti defilement of the national capital is gone, of course. The only thing you’re concerned about is that you still haven’t seen any sign of Jake yet…or really any sign that anything has disturbed this place in the last century or so. It’s pretty quiet in here. You haven’t heard much noise, aside from the sounds of cicadas and a few chirping birds.

“Huh…this is it, right?” You grumble to yourself, as you re-check those coordinates again. Yeah, this is the area...in fact, you’re about as close to the exact spot where Jake told Jade to go to as you can get. “Maybe he’s moved on since yesterday…but there’s gotta be some kinda camp or base around here, or something like…hmmm?”

You stop midway through your mumbling as your eye catches sight of one tall building that looks just a bit different from the others – it’s still massively overgrown with plants, but the vegetation around the door looks like it’s been ripped off somehow. In fact, you’d say its looks like it was ripped off in just the right way so that someone could open that door. And, looking over the area around the building, you notice what looks like a few rock set up in a pattern, including a little ring of stones around an area of dirt and ash, as though there had been a fire there recently.

 _Bingo_ , you think to yourself, as you imagine giving yourself an awesome high-five for eventually noticing a thing that was probably fairly obvious. You float over to the door, giving it a little pull…yep, still works. How’s that for construction that lasts? You open the door, landing on your feet at last as you walk into what you assume is Jake’s home base.

More vegetation covers the walls, and there’s some vines and whatnot on the floors, but the structure of the building seems to be holding up pretty well. More importantly, of course, is the very new bedroll and lantern which stick out like a sore thumb. Jake’s been here, alright.

Problem is, of course, that he’s not here _now_. 

The lantern is out, and from a touch you can tell it was put out quite a while ago. Bedroll is laid out, but it’s also made neatly, and it hasn’t been used in a while either. This is clearly Jake’s base of operations during this adventure, but at the moment he must be out doing all that adventury stuff.

“Hah…well, guess that’s not a surprise…still…” You sigh as you check the clock on your glasses. It’s still 9 AM, and you’d have thought you could catch him if you got here early eno…oh, wait. Time zones. Those are still things. It’s 9 at the keep, on the west coast, but here it’s actually noon, isn’t it. Yeah, that’s probably peak adventuring time, huh.

Well, shit. Now what should you do? Let’s see, go over the options…

Option A: Wait for him to come back.  Sure, he’ll show up, but you have no idea when, and waiting alone in an overgrown, ruined city is just as unappealing as being bored out of your mind in your massive house. 

Option B: Go out and look for him.  Gives you something to do, you suppose, but you have no idea where he could be. He could be spelunking the shit out of some cave miles away for all you know. Odds of you finding him in time for movie night is pretty low, to be honest.

Option C: …uh…

*CRASH*

Suddenly, an incredibly loud, crashing sound echoes through the building. You feel the ground under your feet shake a little bit. That…whatever cause that was pretty close.

Option C: Investigate what the fuck caused that shit. Odds of Jake being near the cause/being the cause himself: Pretty damn high.

Option C it is. You burst out the door and look around. There’s a little more commotion in the woods now, as a lot of birds are flying out of the trees and taking to the skies. You notice that they’re all going in the same direction, as if they were all trying to get away from something coming in the other direction. Naturally, your gaze immediately goes to that area, trying to see what they’re running fro…

Ah. There he is.

You can make out that weird, light yellow-y coloring of Jake English’s Hope aspect anywhere. Fortunately for your eyes, Jake was the first one of your friends to customize up their god-tier ensemble once they had the chance, so he could, and you quote, “get rid of these abhorrent crotch-huggers for a decent pair of pants.” Roxy jokingly protested the decision…at least, you HOPE she was joking…but Jake did still keep the Hope color scheme with his new pants, so you could spot him a mile away. 

As for what he’s doing, he’s…running. Quickly. From…something you can’t quite make out yet, aside from a fairly large could of dust wafting up behind him…

That could be good, though, right?

“AAAAHHHHHAA-OH HEY JOHN!” Jake stops screaming for a second once he notices you to call out to you as he waves in your direction, but he doesn’t break his stride for a moment as he does this. He continues to run as fast as he can as he keeps shouting “I don’t know what you’re doing out here but that doesn’t matter cause it’s a pleasure to see you and all but if I might offer you a spot of advice…”

He dashes past you as he finishes his statement, “…I’d tell you to START RUNNING LIKE THE MOTHERFUCKING DEVIL HIMSELF WAS AT YOUR BACK!!!”

You watch him run past before glancing back at where he came. The dust cloud is getting closer, and now you can see what’s causing it…an insane number of insanely huge animals which look like nothing you’ve ever seen before, all of them pure white in coloring and looking pissed-off in attitude. And they’re running right after Jake…in your general direction.

“Oh shiiiiit!!!” You curse as loudly as you can as you immediately take off after Jake, with the stampede of giant angry critters following right behind in hot pursuit.


	3. Chapter 3

====> John: Run, Egbert, RUN!

Yeah you’re already doing that because sweet fuck there are a shit ton of monsters chasing you.

It takes you maybe half a second of full-on sprinting until you catch up to Jake, who’s similarly booking it as fast as he can go in the face of horrible monster trampling. You don’t wait a second before you shout at him, “What the hell did you do?!”

“Really not the time, chum!” Jake doesn’t turn his head for a second as he shouts back at you.

“Kinda think it is, though!” You jump over a large branch laying on the ground as you continue to run.

“Okay fine! I might have made one or two critters angry, one thing leads to another, and suddenly all their friends are chasing me! The end!” Jake growls as he gives you the least-detailed recap of all time. “If you want the rest of the dagblasted details, you’ll just have to wait until we get the hell out of dodge!”

You consider snapping back at him, but the roar of a particularly hungry-looking pursuer makes you reconsider. “Ugh…fine! Grab on!” You thrust your hand out to Jake, who wastes no time in grabbing it.

*PHWOOOOSH*

As soon as he grabs your hand, you levitate in the air just a bit and summon your windy powers. Immediately, a massive burst of air rises up from where you were standing, and you launch off from the ground at a ridiculous speed, blasting past the trees above you, pulling Jake along for the ride as his screams become less terrified and more excited as the crowd of monsters sinks away rapidly below you.

“Aaaaahhhahaha! How do you like them apples, ya mangy beasts!” Jake grabs your side as he shouts taunts down at the crowd of monsters, a few of which are looking up at the two of you and growling angrily as you escape. “Guess your plans for dinner a la English got cancelled, didn’t they! Hahahaaaah…hah…”

Jake’s laughs trail off as he notices your annoyed glare, as you’ve stopped rising up and are now hovering high above the ground, well out of the monsters’ range. You use your free hand to give him a playful punch in the shoulder before you say, “You know, I can drop you back down there at any time, Jake.”

Jake hesitates for only a moment before he smirks back at you and replies, “Sure, go ahead. I can fly too, y’know, so I don’t plan to fall all that far.”

“Yeah, I know you can fly, Jake.” You roll your eyes as you let go of Jake’s hand. As you do so, Jake begins floating on his own power, levitating up just a bit to be eye-level to you as you keep talking, saying, “I’m just wondering why you didn’t think to fly off before. You could’ve gotten away from those monsters without my help, couldn’t you have?”

“Eh…maybe, but it’s not as simple as that, chum. See, look…there’s a few flying bastards mixed in with the pack.” Jake points down to where the herd of animals is still gathered, and you do indeed notice a few flying animals in there, gliding along below you. You’re way too far up for them to catch you, but a few of them shoot you angry looks and roars before they start flying off. You look back to Jake, who continues, “I can’t fly like you can, John, so I didn’t think I could outmaneuver ‘em if I got off the ground. Figured I had a better chance of shaking ‘em on the ground, though they turned out to be quite a tenacious bunch of bastards.”

“Huh…well, I guess that kinda makes sense…” You shrug as you respond. “Still, I don’t appreciate having to bail you out of trouble the second I see you.”

“Hmmm…yeah, I get that.” Jake nods, before a mischievous smile curls across his face. “Maybe you’d have preferred to be rescuing a lovely damsel, instead of your ecto-old man? Maybe I should switch to the shorts, kinda damsel myself up a bit? Would that be better for you?”

“Oh god, no, anything but the shorts!” You laugh and give him another playful punch in the shoulder, which gets him laughing with you as well. Here we go, bonding over the awful sight of Jake stuffed into a pair of crotch-huggers. This is about as close to normal between the two of you as it gets. 

Once your laughing fit subsides, you look back to Jake and say, “Anyway, now that we’re…uh, out of dodge, can you tell me what exactly caused all of that?”

“Oh, right, sure thing…ah, but first, why don’t we find a place to land first? Not that flying isn’t fun in its own right, but I’d much rather have a nice piece of dirt to sit down and relax on at the moment.” Jake starts scanning the land below you, looking for a good landing spot. “Lessee…well, those critters are still hanging around my home base…how ‘bout that hill over there? Looks pretty quiet at the moment, doesn’t it?”

“Uh…yeah, it looks fine, I guess.” You look where Jake is pointing, not really seeing the hill that clearly. You do notice a lack of angry monsters at that spot at the moment, though, and you figure that’s probably all you can ask for right now. You motion to Jake and say, “Lead the way.”

Jake nods and starts flying down to the hill, with you trailing right behind him. As you start getting closer to the planet’s surface again, you do notice that the area you’re approaching is a fairly calm, grassy hill, just outside of the massive Washington tree canopy that you had been running through just a bit earlier. Jake gets there quickly enough, and, the moment he touches down, throw his arms out and falls backwards onto the ground, laughing as he stretches out his legs. “Ahhh…now that’s more like it.” You chuckle as you float down next to him, though you’re still hovering in the air, just above the ground.

====> John: Interrogate Jake

JOHN: huh…this isn’t so bad, i guess   
JOHN: don't see why you think it's much better than flying, but i guess it's nice.   
JAKE: Well sure youd think that john.    
JOHN: huh?    
JOHN: what makes you say that?   
JAKE: Aside from how youre always flying all over the dang place?   
JAKE: John you love flying so much that youre flying right now.   
JAKE: In the middle of an confoundingly peaceful grassy hillside youre just hovering like you dont want to touch it.   
JOHN: oh…huh.   
JOHN: i…didn’t even notice i was doing that.   
JAKE: The rest of us all think flyings cool and all.   
JAKE: But we dont like doing it all the dang time!   
JAKE: Though…actually maybe its just a breath player thing?   
JAKE: I remember ol tavvy would tell me about how much he enjoyed being able to fly since he became a sprite.   
JAKE: Maybe youre just inclined to prefer the air to the ground?   
JOHN: huh…maybe.   
JOHN: i didn’t know that tavros really liked flying like that…or, uh, that he was a breath player, really.   
JOHN: never really talked to that guy…   
JAKE: You always seemed not to like him that much.   
JOHN: er…did i?   
JAKE: Sure seemed like it.   
JAKE: What was that all about?   
JOHN: hey let’s not talk about that!   
JAKE: ?   
JOHN: yeah, there’s other things we can talk about that aren’t that.   
JOHN: things like angry monsters and why they were chasing you, for example.   
JAKE: Oh right.   
JAKE: Suppose i do owe you that much.   
JOHN: yes you do.   
JOHN: so what exactly happened there?   
JAKE: Well lets see…    
JAKE: Should probably start back at the beginning then…   
JAKE: So i made my way out to these parts about three weeks ago…   
JOHN: uh…maybe we could start a little…   
JAKE: Yeah id just finished my expedition of antarctica…   
JAKE: Hell of a rousing tale that one was let me tell you…   
JOHN: oh boy.   
JOHN: jake, that’s not really…   
JAKE: Nothing but ice and snow as far as the eye could see…   
JAKE: Oh except for the penguins because let me tell you those feathery bastards are just everywhere and…   
JOHN: jake!   
JAKE: What?   
JOHN: i’m really not interested in the penguins or what you did in antarctica!    
JOHN: i wanna know what you were doing here!   
JAKE: Oh right.   
JAKE: Sorry bout that.   
JAKE: Anyway i finished exploring around the south pole and was looking for something else to do.   
JAKE: But i didnt have any ideas so i ended up watching some movies to pass time.   
JAKE: Specifically i had started watching an absolute classic of mister nick cage himself called national treasure.   
JOHN: that is an incredible movie, so i’m with you so far.   
JOHN: go on.   
JAKE: Right so i start watching cage do his thing stealing the declaration of independence and hunting for treasure.   
JAKE: When suddenly WHAM inspiration out of the blue!   
JAKE: And i think to myself why dont i go do that?!    
JAKE: Theres no one in washington now to stop me from swiping that declaration or any other national treasures for that matter!   
JAKE: And just like that i took off for washington made myself a camp and started exploring.   
JAKE: I looked through old buildings and combed some overgrown jungles and spelunked the shit out of some cavesand…   
JOHN: and angered some monsters…?   
JAKE: Yeah!!!    
JAKE: Uh i mean…   
JAKE: Yeah I guess one of those caves was home to some frightening fauna all right.   
JAKE: Reckon they must have spread out from the island i lived on back in the day.   
JAKE: The ones I ran into werent that big though so i batted them away pretty easily.   
JAKE: Which led to them calling a couple of their larger friends.   
JAKE: And then those guys called their even larger friends…   
JOHN: and eventually it just ended up as one huge stampede, huh?   
JAKE: More or less yeah.   
JAKE: After that its just a few minutes of me running before i run into you.   
JAKE: Anyway thats my rousing tale of adventure johnny boy.   
JAKE: Now that thats out of the way what brings you out here chum?   
JOHN: me? oh, not much.   
JOHN: i just figured you might be interested in this awesome movie night happening at my place.   
JAKE: Oho a movie night you say? *sits up excitedly*    
JAKE: Whats the occasion?   
JOHN: jade’s finally finished with her moon project, so i figured we should celebrate.   
JOHN: and jade and i haven’t had a movie night since the game ended so i thought it would be a perfect idea.   
JAKE: Sounds like a good reason to me.   
JOHN: i know, right? anyway, we both fingered we should make a little party out of it.   
JOHN: jade’s inviting jane, and i came out here to extend the invitation to you as well!   
JOHN: so…interested?   
JAKE: Darn tootin im interested johnny!   
JAKE: Havent had a chance to watch a good flick or two with pals in a good long while.   
JAKE: Whats the plan? We gonna go right away?   
JOHN: no, not yet…jade’s still finishing up her moon mission.   
JOHN: well get started later tonight…we probably have about five, maybe six hours to kill until then.   
JAKE: Hmmm…   
JAKE: In that case maybe youd be interested in helping an ectorelative out with some exploring then john?   
JOHN: i might be up for something like that.   
JOHN: what’d you have in mind?   
JAKE: Welp so far my spelunking and excavating hasnt come up with any treasures yet.   
JAKE: But theres a few places i was having a bit of trouble getting into on my own.   
JAKE: However if we were to add in a little bit of windy magic here and some extra mangrit there i think we can get in there and haul out whatever treasure they might hold!   
JAKE: Well john? Wanna help pull a heist worthy of the great nick cage himself?   
JOHN: oh hell yes!   
JOHN: man, this’ll be so cool.   
JAKE: Hahaha! With the two of us together theres nowhere we cant break into!   
JOHN: we’ll be unstoppable! it’d be like if nick cage had an assistant, who was another, just as cool version of cage!   
JAKE: Damn right chum!   
JAKE: Well no sense in just sitting here flapping our gums!   
JAKE: Lets get out there and steal us some treasure!


	4. Chapter 4

====> Jade: Stop being John and Pester Jane  


gardenGnostic (GG) started pestering gutsyGumshoe (GG)  


GG: jane!  
GG: are you there jane?  
GG: Oh, hello Jade!  
GG: Sorry it took a moment, dear. I’m just finishing up a cake at the moment.  
GG: oh its okay and im sorry if im interrupting you  
GG: Don’t worry, Jade. Talking with you is never an interruption.  
GG: To what do I owe the pleasure of this chat?  
GG: well i just finished up my big moon project!!!  
GG: all our remaining lands are now in place in orbit around the earth  
GG: Well, huzzah for that!  
GG: And thank you so much for doing that for us, Jade. It’s nice to look up in the sky and see the ol’ land up there.  
GG: thank you!!  
GG: i actually got done a little earlier than i thought i would so i was wondering if you were free to hang out tonight  
GG: unless the bakery is still open and you have things to finish up of course  
GG: i wouldnt want to take you away from that  
GG: Nope, I’m all done! This cake was the last one.  
GG: What did you have in mind tonight?   
GG: Did you want to come by here for dinner? I can whip something up while you swing on by.  
GG: actually i was kind of hoping you would come join me in the keep tonight  
GG: we were  
GG: uh  
GG: thinking about doing a movie night  
GG: Oh? “We” were thinking about it, dear?  
GG: And who else is part of this “we”?  
GG: whoops   
GG: did I say we??? i meant to say me!!   
GG: “Me” were thinking about…?  
GG: fuck!  
GG: i mean jeez i am just so tired!!!   
GG: i can barely keep my thoughts straight at all!!  
GG: Jade, it’s cute to watch you try, but you can dispense with the act.  
GG: It’s quite obvious you’re trying to hide something.  
GG: whaaaaat???  
GG: no that’s  
GG: what i mean is  
GG: Hmmm…?  
GG: …  
GG: okay fine you got me  
GG: guess i should have known to watch my grammar around a  
GG: uh around a gumshoe like yourself  
GG: Hoo hoo, it was a nice try, Jade.  
GG: So, who’s this mystery partner of yours that you were trying to cover for?  
GG: I believe Roxy is still out on the road at the moment, which lowers your number of possible accomplices…  
GG: no its not roxy  
GG: its john  
GG: Oh reeeaally?  
GG: How interesting…now why would my dear, sweet ecto-son need to go through you to set up an invitation to something like a movie night?  
GG: I’m fairly certain he could invite me himself anytime he wanted to…  
GG: oh come on jane you know whats going on!!!  
GG: its this silly prank war of yours!   
GG: you and john have been going at it for way too long and it needs to stop  
GG: i forced john to let me invite you tonight because i want to see you guys get over this and go back to being friends again  
GG: Oh dear…Jade, I’m sorry if I made you upset over this.  
GG: its okay  
GG: i didnt mean to fly off the handle on you  
GG: but i am serious that i want you two to meet with each other and get over this stupid thing  
GG: youre two of my favorite people and i just want you to be friends again  
GG: cant you consider it?  
GG: Aw, dearie, you’re so sweet.  
GG: I suppose I should have expected you to be upset to see two of your friends not getting along.  
GG: heh…thanks  
GG: so youll end the prank war then?  
GG: Oh goodness, no.  
GG: what!!!  
GG: I’m really sorry Jade, but there are still things that John and I need to settle before we can put this experience behind us.  
GG: So I’m afraid it's still to early for any hatchet-burying to happen yet.  
GG: but why???  
GG: come on jane i know you really want to go back to being friends with john   
GG: so why cant you  
GG: Jade, can I tell you a story?  
GG: huh?  
GG: Just a short little thing. I promise it won't take too long.  
GG: oh  
GG: well okay then  
GG: A few days ago, I was having a fairly normal day.  
GG: Baking, running the store with the Nannasprites, finishing an order for the mayor…  
GG: It was a little busier than normal, but other than that nothing was out of the ordinary.  
GG: At least, until the end of the day.  
GG: uh oh  
GG: You see, right as the mayor had come to pick up his order, the door seemed to stay open just a bit longer than it normally should.  
GG: I didn’t really notice it much at the time, but it seemed like an odd little breeze was holding the door open.  
GG: And then, right as I’m handing the mayor his order, the odd little breeze turned into a big gust of wind.  
GG: A gust of wind that just happened to carry a whipped cream pie aloft at just the right angle to hit me in the face.  
GG: oof  
GG: well that wasnt nice of him but i dont think  
GG: Oh, that would have been nothing if it had been the end of it.  
GG: ah  
GG: See, that gust also happened to carry a bucket of water right behind the pie that hit me, which somehow managed to expertly dump itself on me and only me when it flew in.  
GG: And then, after the bucket had emptied itself, it bonked me on the noggin for good measure.  
GG: And THEN, apparently for EXTRA good measure, the wind picked up one last time, just strong enough to knock me off my feet after the pie and the bucket had knocked me off balance.  
GG: thats  
GG: um thats  
GG: huh  
GG: All this happened in public, in my open store.  
GG: In front of all the consorts, chess people, my dad, and the Mayor himself.  
GG: Oh, and in the process of all this, I managed to drop the Mayor’s order all over the floor, which meant I had to remake it from scratch.  
GG: Do you know how disappointed the look on the Mayor’s face is when he realizes he won’t be able to get his specially-ordered baked goods for another day, Jade?  
GG: Because I do.   
GG: wow  
GG: So…yes.  
GG: John and I still have things to settle.  
GG: oh  
GG: yeah i guess that was a bit over the line  
GG: and you havent gotten him back yet?  
GG: No, he’s played things very smart since then.  
GG: He’s rarely let the keep since, and he’s made it harder for either Nannasprite to get in like thy had been, so I haven’t been able to get a measure of vengeance yet.  
GG: But you can be darn sure that I’m getting that vengeance eventually, Jade.  
GG: Darn.   
GG: Sure.  
GG: uh huh  
GG: just to be sure   
GG: youre not going to end the prank war until you get him back are you  
GG: That’s about the size of it.  
GG: So, I’m very sorry Jade, but I’ll have to decline.  
GG: nope  
GG: Pardon?  
GG: nope youre still coming  
GG: im gonna get you two together and end this prank war tonight!!!  
GG: Jade, I just explained why I can’t do that, didn’t I?  
GG: no all you did was explain why you need to get john back beforehand  
GG: so were gonna make that happen tonight too!!!  
GG: ?  



	5. Chapter 5

====> John: Stop not being you.  


What? Since when have you not been you? You’re just as much JOHN EGBERT now as you’ve always been, weirdo.

Anyway, where were you…oh yes, adventure. Er…Adventure! No no, wait…ADVEEEENTUREEEE!!!

That’s…that’s how Jake makes you say it.

Okay, so how are things going? Well, Jake was right in his analysis that having two of you would make progressing in the various towers, caves and dungeons you’ve entered much faster. Between your windy powers, Jake’s dungeoneering expertise and some good, old-fashioned and old-talking MANGRIT, you’ve had no trouble getting wherever the two of you have wanted to go. 

About the only trouble you’ve had is that you’ve stumbled onto another couple packs of the FRIGHTENING FAUNA that now call the ruins of Washington D.C. their home. Again, because there’s now two rugged adventurers in your party, you haven’t found defeating the beasts to be too much of a hassle…well, aside from the truly massive horde you encountered in what you believed to be the ruins of the Pentagon. Those guys were a bit too numerous for you two to handle, and led to yet another THRILLING ESCAPE with a convoy of large, angry monsters in tow. Which sucked, because you REALLY wanted to see what you could find in the catacombs of the Pentagon, but, well, giant monsters gonna giant monst…er…

Anyway, you managed to make it through all that, of course, and have hit a number of the spots Jake wanted to spelunk over the last few hours. So far, you’ve hit the ruins of the Pentagon, the Jefferson Memorial, most of the Smithsonian buildings, the Capitol (not much left of that one, to be honest) and Nationals Park. That last one was surprisingly intact…well, for however intact a jungled-over ruin could be, anyway…and you and Jake had a good laugh about cleaning the place up and convincing the mayor to start a chess-guy-and-consort baseball league. WHICH YOU ABSOULUTELY NEED TO DO, OH GOD, IT WOULD BE SO CUTE AND SO MUCH FUN.

So far, though, if you had anything to complain about, it would be that the loot you’ve managed to collect from these ancient structures has been…well…less than inspiring. You got absolutely nothing of value out of the Jefferson Memorial. Ditto what remained of the Capitol. The Pentagon was, again, all giant monster-y. Nationals Park had a few baseballs and bats left in fairly good condition, which was nice, but not much else. And the Smithsonian buildings, which covers almost the whole of the valuable loot you’ve managed to grab, yielded a few pieces of faded art, some dinosaur(?) bones in the museum of natural history, and one single, shiny quarter.

“To be fair…” Jake glances at you, shrugging as the two of you walk to your next target. “It is a _really_ nice quarter.”

“Eh…I guess so.” You shrug back, pocketing the crown jewel of your haul from this trip (again: a really nice quarter) as you do so. “But I kinda feel like we’re letting Nick Cage down here, Jake. We’re running out of daylight, and so far, we don’t really have any super-cool artifacts to show for it yet. Nice as this quarter is, it’d be nice to bring back something…like, ACTUALLY cool. Y’know?”

“Oh, don’t worry chum, because our expedition ain’t over yet! Sure, the day’s almost over, but we’ve saved the best for last!” Jake smiles, stopping where he is and pointing at the building in front of you. “May I present: the home of the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, and the Bill of Rights! The Nationaaaal Archiiives Buildiiiing!”

You stop as well and look up towards the structure in front of you. Just like all the other sites you’ve visited, it’s a worn-down ruin, with the vines and other vegetation wrapping its way up the walls, most of the detailing of the stone worn away the columns looking a bit too eroded for your tastes. Oh, wait…you mean the columns that are still standing. One, the nearest to the center on the right, has already fallen, landing right in the middle of the entrance, blocking your path.

You look over the site a few times before a thought comes to mind. Glancing back at Jake, you ask, “Wait, if we knew that this is where all that cool stuff was kept, why didn’t we just go here first instead of all those other buildings?”

Jake gives you a kind of blank look for a moment, before sighing deeply and muttering, “Criminy, John, you’ve just got no sense of adventure, do you?”, as he starts making his way towards the Archives building.

“What! Oh, come on, you know I’m all about adventure…Jake? Jaaake!” You follow behind Jake, protesting loudly. “I mean, it’s not like I wasn’t into all the other adventuring we just did! I’ve yelled ‘adventure’, like, twenty times today! And, hey, first one to play SBURB! That’s gotta be worth some adventuring points, right?”

“Nope! Doesn’t count! From now on, I’m calling you Sancho!” Jake shouts back at you as he begins climbing the steps. “Because obviously, you don’t know much about adventures!”

“What?” You follow him up the steps as well. “Who the heck is Sancho?”

“Sancho Panza! From _Don Quixote_! It’s a rousing book about noble adventurer!” Jake reaches the tops of the steps and stops in front of the entrance before he looks back at you. “That I…read some of! But it has a few movie versions, which I did watch! And they’re GREAT!”

“What are you…wait. _Don Quixote_?” You also make it to the top, catching up to Jake. “Isn’t that the story of the crazy guy who fights windmills?”

Jake opens his mouth to respond, but pauses before he does so. After a moment, he looks away and mumbles, “…I was gonna say ‘the crazy adventurous guy”, but that…doesn’t make me sound better, does it?”

“…heh…no, it does not. But I guess I can cut you a little slack.” You let out a little laugh at Jake, before taking a deep breath and offering your fist to him, motioning your head towards the column blocking the entrance. “So, ready to tackle one last ruin, Don Quixote?”

“…hahaha. Yeah…let’s do it, Sancho, my friend.” Jake laughs back at your joke, and the two of you bump fists to each other as you walk towards the column.

Fortunately, the erosion of the column has left plenty of hand-hold where you can get a decent grip on the big hunk of rock. You bend your knees, find a good handhold, and take a deep breath. “Ready?” you ask, looking to Jake, who flashes you a thumbs up before grabbing the column. You nod and say, “Okay then, on three…one…two…”

“THREEEEEERRGH…!!!” You both shout the number, which quickly devolves into grunts as the two of you put all your strength into lifting the massive stone structure. It takes a moment before you can budge it, but after that your combined MANGRIT begins to win against gravity, and the column lifts up off the ground.

“Guuuh! P-pull it…back!!” Jake shouts out, and you grunt something you hope sounds like an acknowledgement. Once you’re able to get the column up, you start slowly walking backwards, moving it out from the opening and towards the steps behind you. It takes a bit of sustained effort, but eventually the two of you are able to move it just enough to get it out of the entrance, though it is starting to hangover the steps a bit.

“O-Okay! It’s…good! Put ‘er…down!” You yell out instructions again, and you and Jake begin to lower the stone back down. It lands with an audible thud, and once you know it’s down, you immediately let go and pull away from it, stumbling back a bit as you do so and landing on your rear end.

“Gah! Huff…puff…phew, now THAT…was a heavy son…of a bitch!” Jake slumps against the column after he lets go of his grip on it. He stays in that not-terribly-comfortable looking position for a moment, breathing heavily before he glances back at you. “Couldn’t…hah…couldn’ta done that without ya, Johnny…Thanks, partner.”

“Hah…no sweat…” You shoot him a thumbs up, as you lay back for a second to catch your breath. Once you feel ready again, you start making your way to your feet, looking to Jake and saying, “Alright, let’s see what our last stop has hidden for us.”

“Yeah…hah…okay. I’m ready.” Jake lifts himself up from the slab as well, taking one more deep breath before smiling at you and waving his hand to the entrance. “Shall we?” 

“Let’s.” You smile back, and the two of you start walk past the column you moved and the still standing ones you didn’t, making your way into…

RRRRRUMBLE.

Suddenly, the loud noise behind you has both you and Jake whipping your heads around to see what would be causing it. You very quickly notice that the column you moved isn’t quite in the same position it was when you put it down, as it is now angled up quite a bit, apparently sliding down the stairs. Whoops. Guess gravity decided it wasn’t done with it. It creaks loudly before the full stone structure starts sliding down the steps, slowly at first before it shifts slightly and begins rolling down, significantly faster. 

It keeps rolling until it makes it to the bottom, making a loud THUD as it hits before rolling a bit more, heading to the street. Just past the street, you remember for no reason, was a large metal fence, which divided the street from the National Mall (which is completely jungle by now). You remember this just before the column rolls past the street and directly into the fence, making yet another loud crashing noise as it slams into the metal, which bends the fence over but doesn’t completely break it, causing the column to finally come to a stop.

Both you and Jake are silent for a moment before he looks over to you and asks, “Think any critters heard that?”

You shake your head and turn back to the entrance to the Archives as you mutter, “Let’s not stick around to find out.” You start jogging into the building, Jake tailing not far behind you.


	6. Chapter 6

====> John: Explore the ruins

Once you and Jake get past the big doors (which were a little tough to open…it’s like they didn’t want people coming in up the stairs. Weird.) you immediately enter a very large, open chamber. Things in here look…well, a little better maintained than most of the buildings you’ve been through, anyway. I mean, sure, there’s a bit of rubble on the ground from the ceiling, which…you really HOPE isn’t starting to crumble, in spite of the big hole in the side of the dome, but…yeah.

Anyway, looking around from where you are, your eyes are immediately pulled to the back of the chamber, where you spy a few large display cases. The glass on top is cracked, and you can’t really see what’s in them from here, but…

“That’s gotta be them!” Jake smiles as he runs forward, immediately jogging over to the cases. “This is the main rotunda, I think, so…these HAVE to be where the documents are…bet they’re locked up tight, so…uh…hmmm.”

“Huh? Jake?” You jog over to where he is, by the display case on the left, which is under a stone carving which reads “Declaration of Independence” in big, bold letters. Jake is looking down through the glass, and is slightly easier to see through it from this angle than from back there. 

Specifically, it’s easier to see that there’s nothing in the case from here.

“Empty, huh…” You grimace. You had a feeling this would be what you found, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less. You sigh before looking over to Jake. “Come on, let’s check the others. Maybe we’ll get lucky and there’ll still be one?”

Jake sighs and nods, quietly. You can see he’s really disappointed. The two of you walk to the display cases in the center of the chamber, where there are four glass displays lined up next to one another. The stone carving here identifies the cases as holding the Constitution. Or rather, as having held the Constitution, because, like the Declaration, the documents that should be in the cases are not.

“Strike two, then.” Jake sighs once more. “That just leaves the Bill of Rights…over there. The glass is really fucking busted on that one, though, so we’ll have to crack it open for the big reveal.”

“Yeah, I guess so.” You nod as you and Jake walk side by side to the final display case. As Jake mentioned, its glass is so busted you really can’t make out anything inside. You look at the case itself, trying to figure a way to open it up, but you’re not finding anything. It seems to be locked up tight…heck, you can’t find any way to open this. You look back up at Jake and ask, “So…any ideas?”

Jake glances over the case for a moment, then shrugs and mutters, “Eh…just one.” With that, he pulls out one of his dual pistols, flips it so he’s holding onto the barrel, and then quickly slams the handle into the glass, shattering it and sending little pieces everywhere.

“Goddammit!” You curse loudly as you jump back, avoiding the spray of glass. “A little warning would have been nice!”

“Oh, right…sorry, I thought that was obvious there, John.” Jake gives you a sheepish look before he turns his gaze back to the now-open case. “Now then, let’s see if…”

He trails off, and you have a feeling you know what that means. You take a step forward again, and you’re now close enough to look into the case, which hold a small pile of glass on top of a metal display stand. There doesn’t look to be any document in between, naturally.

“Aaaand a swing and a miss.” Jake chuckles to himself, a little wistfully. “Batter takes a seat.”

“Damn.” You sigh a bit, looking over to Jake. He’s probably devastated, so you should probably help him feel better. “Jake, I’m…I’m really sorry about…”

“Aw well!” Jake suddenly cuts you off, brushing his hand through his hair as he laughs heartily. “Hahaha…guess that was one hell of a wild goose chase, now wasn’t it? Welp, whatcha gonna do, eh, Johnny?”

“Uh…what?” You’re a little flabbergasted, but…Jake actually seems…weirdly happy. “You’re…okay with this?”

“Well sure…ain’t nothing I can do about it, now is there? Moping isn’t gonna make these treasures materialize or anything like that.” Jake puts his gun away as he continues, “Sure, my luck might be the goddamned worst today, but at least I still got a good adventure out of it all!”

“Heheh…I guess you’re right.” Your spirits actually feel a little higher…guess his cheeriness is infectious. “Still, I can’t believe you’re coming away from all of this without any loot or treasure or anything, and you’re not bothered at all.”

“Well now, hey, I still managed to get something out of this.” Jake points at you. “You still got that quarter, don’tcha?”

“Snnnk…hahahaha!” At that joke, you can’t help but crack up laughing. Jake joins you pretty quickly, giving you a smack on the back and drawing you into a side hug. You embrace him back, before muttering, “Heheh…hey, wanna, check out the rest of this place? We might find another one!”

“Hahaha! Oh, wouldn’t that be the best! Two shiny quarters!” Jake keeps laughing along with you. “Truly, treasure hunters of this quality only leave once they’ve found the best…”

_Grrrrrrrr…_

Your laughter dies down fairly quickly once the two of you realize that neither of you made that sound. You look around for the source, but don’t see anything…until you realize that it was coming from above you.

You look up, and there, on the ceiling of the rotunda, emerging from the hole in the dome is a particularly large spider, pure-white in color, each of its many eyes glaring down directly at your position.

There’s a solid beat before Jake mutters, “Chum, I get the feeling our new friend isn’t gonna let us stick around for any more exploring today.”

Before you can get in a witty reply, the spider shrieks loudly and releases its grip on the ceiling. At that, you grab Jake by the hand and immediately take off, flaying straight forward and out the door just before the spider lands on you. You quickly burst out the door, discovering that a few more beasts have begun congregating around the Archives building, all of them fairly large in size. And all of them, you note for no particular reason, seem to be glaring directly at you, with looks that can be best described as ravenous.

“Y’know, John, movie night sounds really good right about now!” Jake shouts to you as he hangs onto your hand.

“Couldn’t agree more!” You shout back as you immediately conjure your windy powers below you. Just before all the beasts converge on your location, you blast off into the sky, quickly rising through the atmosphere as the D.C. jungle disappears below you.

====> John: Return home.

Yeah, that’s…that’s enough adventuring for one day, you feel.

With Jake still hanging onto your hand, you chart a return course home. As before, you soar well above the earth, crossing the continent quickly as Jake gazes at the moons as they go by. His land, the Land of Mounds and Xenon, is now heading towards the horizon, though it isn’t dropping off yet, as your current flight path keeps it ahead of you. Gazing upwards, Jade’s Land of Frost and Frogs is high overhead, and gazing back, the swirling colors of Roxy’s Land of Pyramids and Neon can be seen nudging their way over the curve of the earth. You really are getting used to this seven moons thing. It’s pretty cool.

It isn’t long before you touch down at the keep once more, home sweet home at Windy Boy Ave (…alright, maybe you can get used to the name), your ecto-dad still in tow. It’s still pretty light out here, but the sun’s beginning to dip down, and the sky is a mix of purple and orange. You wonder if Jade’s done yet…you tried pestering her on your way back, but got no response. She must be finishing up. You look back to Jake and say, “It’ll probably still be a while before the girls get here...wanna just watch one before they get here?”

“Ab-so-lutely!” Jake smiles and wraps his arm around your neck. “’Sides, if we wait until they’re here, they’ll poo-poo some of our brilliant choices. What’d ya have in mind?”

“Oh, I dunno… _National Treasure 2_?” You smirk back to him as you start making you ways down the stairs of the roof, heading towards your room. He chuckles in return, before you follow that up with, “Or maybe _Don Quixote_ , instead. They both seem fitting, don’t they?”

“Hahaaa…that they do, chum.” Jake nods, as the two of you walk through the halls. “Though I’d say the girls would probably find _Don Quixote_ more enjoyable, so let’s go with Mr. Cage for…hmmm…”

“What’s up?” You look back at Jake again, as he releases his grip on your neck and looks pensive for a moment.

“Both Jade and Jane are coming tonight, right?” Jake glances at you, and you nod in return. “I just remembered…weren’t you and Jane in some kinda…prank war, or something like that?”

“Ugh, yeah.” Being reminded of that situation wipes the smile from your face. “Yeah…Jade wants to use tonight to try and get us to make up. I’m fine doing that, but I dunno if Jane will be interested.”

“Oh? What makes you say that?” Jake gives you a quizzical look. “Jane’s such a kind young lady, I can’t imagine she’d really oppose burying the ol’ hatchet.”

You sigh deeply, making the final turn towards your room before responding, “Yeah, normally she wouldn’t… _normally_ , that is. But, uh…I kinda…well, the last prank I pulled on her was…it was pretty impressive. And she hasn’t been able to make a return strike yet, so I dunno if it’ll be that easy…”

“Aw, John, you’re making too big a deal of this!” Jake gives you another solid smack on the back as you reach the door to your room, beginning to open it. “Trust me, once Jane gets here, you’ll be able to make all of that nonsense water under th…”

SPLAT.

The moment you open your door wide enough, both you and Jake are hit square in the face with a whipped cream pie.

Before either of you are able to move in response, the two you are immediately hit again, this time by a sudden torrent of water, as though someone had just tossed a full bucket at you.

You imagine that the bucket thing may be the case when said buckets also hit you both in the head, smacking you clean before clattering to the floor.

All of this happens in about three seconds.

You stand there, silent, soggy, with a little bit of whipped cream still stuck to your face and hair, as you look into the room. There, sitting on your couch is Jane Crocker glancing over at you with a satisfied smirk on her face. Right next to her is Jade, your formerly best ecto-sis, who’s beaming brightly and laughing, a slight green glow around her outstretched hand matching the glow surrounding the bucket which lie at your feet. It would appear an alliance has been forged since you last contacted her.

“…Ahem…” Jane clears her throat, as she turns to look you in the eyes. “Now then…Jade tells me you wanted to consider a truce, John. And…well, now that certain things have been taken care of, I think it’s safe to say we’d all be better off if we put the recent troubles behind us and go back to being friends. Wouldn’t you agree?”

You don’t say anything yet. You glance next to you, where you see that Jake has received quite a similar welcome into your room, though his bucket sits nicely on his head like a hat. Collateral damage. So sad to see. He manages to grumble out a soft, “Why exactly did I get hit too?”

“Aw, sorry Jake!” Jade’s still smiling, even as she tries to give a highly insincere apology. “I knew you were both coming, but I couldn’t tell which of you was John and which wasn’t. We didn’t want to hit just you and not John by accident, did we?”

“Huh…” He doesn’t say anything else in response to that. He just looks over to you.

He doesn’t need to say anything, of course. You both know what needs to be done.

Without another word, the two of you leap forward at the girls on the couch. They barely get a chance to brace themselves before you grab them, hugging them tightly. Which, of course, means that the water and whipped cream that just hit you is now being shared with them as well. Aren’t you thoughtful.

“Let’s hug it out, Jane! It’s the perfect way to seal this ceasefire!!”

“Eeek! No way, John!! Not until you’ve dried off, at lea-hahaha, nooo!”

“Come one, Jade! Give yer old man a hug! It’s been too long, I just wanna say hi!!”

“Augh! Jake, you’re drenched, get out of…pffthahaha!”

The situation devolves from here into nothing more than sustained laughter…the oddest of peace talks, and yet, peace has been achieved. The historians would write of this incident as the fitting end to the Great Egbert-Crocker Prank War, an ending silly enough for the war it finished. And the sun sets on Windy Boy Ave, with the laughter of the Prospit kids filling the twilight.


End file.
